Putting the pieces together

A few weekends ago I was helping a 2-year-old put together a puzzle. A picture of a big red train was the end result. It took 12 big pieces and exact placement of each to get the picture just right. I watched as he carefully studied each color and grouped similarities together. Some, he would place together quickly for a perfect fit. Others he tried to force together. No matter how many different ways he tried, they wouldn't come together quite right. As I explained how there was a better fit for each of these pieces and that although they looked similar, they must also fit together easily - I quickly made a correlation with life.

Decision and opportunities for change come in and out of our lives every day - some fit so easily you wonder how you ever lived without them. While others you work hard at, but never excel; never get the picture on the box.  Just like the 2-year-old learned, you can't force the picture if the pieces don't fit.

My mom always said good decisions should be easy.  Just like placing the next piece in your life puzzle - it should simply fit until finally you have that perfect picture, the big red train without a piece missing.

Yeah, that's how I feel

happy.

that's a typical feeling for me.

I am not a sad person.  I really try to see the glass half full.

I have been through some messy spots. I survived.

a logical, light at the end of the tunnel type.

It's engrained in me.

I get it from my mom.

she's amazing.

describe happy.

well it's an adjective.

describe the describer.

satisfied.

pleased.

glad.

content.

joyful.

sure, those sound right. 

 I feel those, but then maybe even something more.

something I can't describe.
something I don't understand.

I don't like not understanding. 
and I don't like not having words.
it's like coming in second.

it's not good enough.  I hate losing.
that's not a story for today.

I am a worrier. A virgo. I like a plan.
preferably a plan I come up with.
on my schedule. executed in my time.
I get anxious when I don't know what's coming next.

I hate thriller movies. they stress me out.

but I don't feel stressed.

peace.

that's it.

peace.

a peaceful happy.

not worrying about what's next.

moving in the right direction.

just living. 

 living and loving it.

living with a smile on my face.
 laughing for no reason.

not just any laugh though.
the deep laugh.

that real laugh that comes from your gut and makes your abs hurt.

the loud laugh that has to be real because it feels so good to get out.

almost freeing.

I love that.

you can't fake it.

those feelings have to be real. pure. true.

I can't live without that.
it's a necessary part of life.

the peaceful happy freeing real laugh.
that's how I describe it.

perfect.

yeah, I'm happy.

You might be a runner if...

...You get upset about injuries because they keep you from running, not because you have actually damaged your body.   (Funny, true and maybe kind of sad.  I don't think in terms of permanent damage. I don't like being down, I hate admitting there is pain. I might regret this in 10 years)
... It doesn't scare you to drink from a cup that some stranger hands you in the middle of the road.  (Nope, never even thought twice - thank you very much!)
... You get very excited when a Race T- shirt is not white.  (I HATE white race shirts... really, whose genius idea was white - they are see through when sweaty, dingy after one wear, and come on... EVERYTHING is jiggling here at least give me a color to camouflage a little.)
... You've ever thought "I'm gonna be sore tomorrow" with a feeling of happy anticipation. (Worse than that, if I am not sore "tomorrow" I obviously didn't work hard enough.)
... Your ipod has a "running" playlist. (A true beatin' up the beat playlist, my most favorite playlist actually. Sometimes I listen to it in my car just to get excited to run.)
... Your non-running friends consider every race you run a "marathon".  (Ha - this happens.  I am pretty sure my parents think I have run ten or twenty marathons.... this is not the case.)
... You get jealous of any runners you pass by while driving, wishing that you were running, too.  (Yep - let's just say it,  I am jealous of runners and people with great hair.)

Now, that's just crazy talk.  I don't consider myself a runner.  An athlete, sure.  A runner no... I'll leave that title to the guy wearing short shorts and singlet in the snow, doing lunges at the start line and actually hoping to win.

Still Seeing Strong

Indifferently, I walk into my eye appointment - at this point I have already mentally prepared myself for the worst.  The assistant shows me back and has me take an eye test.  It seems every time I do this those little tiny letters get harder and harder to see. I just end up guessing based on the shape.  I think that's how you know you really are getting older.  He laughs at my inability to guess the right letter.  Next, he puts numbing drops in my eyes and pokes at them with a stick.  Asks A LOT of questions, writes everything down, smiles and leaves. In walks the doctor...

Dr:  Hi Amber.  How are you?  Your chart says you have a bump on your eye?
Amber:  Hello, I am fine.  Yes, I have this bump on the white of my eye. Sometimes it's big and itchy and hits my eyelid when I blink and sometimes I hardly notice it.  I am super nervous about it and need to make sure it's nothing serious.  By the way, your assistant made my eyes numb and they feel really weird.
Dr: Ha, yes it is a weird feeling. The numbness will wear off soon. Ok, I see what you're talking about.  Let's take a closer look.
(He then proceeds to poke, flash lights and look very closely into my eye with his very large microscope.  Then rolls back in his chair and looks straight at me.)
Dr: You have pteryguim.
Amber: Oh
Dr:  Pteryguim is sun damage on your eye caused by over exposure to sun, wind, dust and dry climates.  We see this a lot in people from dry areas.
Amber:  Like Utah?
Dr:  Yep, Utah is a great example.
(Amber and the Dr talk about how she is from Utah and her bump inflammed on her last trip back for Christmas.  And that she actually has already been diagnosed with this, but freaked out and needed to be sure.  The Dr informs Amber that people from these types of climates need to use extra precautions with there eyes.)
Amber:  So what do I do?
Dr:  There isn't much you can do.  It's kind of like a freckle on your skin, it's there but it shouldn't change.
Amber:  So will this grow over my entire eye?
Dr: No.... I am confident that won't happen.
Amber: But if it does grow over my entire eye, then what will you do?
Dr: I don't think it will, but if it did I would remove it.
Amber:  Oh, so surgery can remove it if that happens.  Ok.  Well sun damage on your skin can turn into skin cancer.  Can sun damage on your eye turn into eye cancer?
Dr:  I am 95% positive this will not turn into cancer on your eye.
Amber:  But if it were to, is there anything you can do?
Dr:  Yes, there is treatment for that, but I have been doing this for 15 years and have never seen pteryguim turn into cancer.
Amber:  OK
Dr:  Keep your eyes covered in the sun.  When it's windy make sure you protect them from dust and when they get dry use eye drops and you shouldn't have any problems.
Amber:  That's it?
Dr:  Do you want steroids?
Amber:  Not really - I prefer to grow my muscles naturally.
Dr:  I mean for your eye.  You can fill the prescription it if it inflames again and it will bring down the swelling.
Amber:  Oh.  Right.  Sure.
Dr:  Ok, I don't think you need a follow up unless you have any problems.
Amber:  Alright I will be sure to come back if it grows over my eye.
Dr:  Ok! See you then.
Amber:  Uhhh... what?
Dr: Just kidding.
Amber:  That's not funny and my eyes are still numb.  Weird.

So I am as good as new... or as good as new plus a freckle.  Now, I definitely need some new sunglasses!

What goes up...

... must come down.

It may or may not be time to take my Christmas decorations down.  But it probably is.

My Christmas tree went up on November 7, 2009 - the day I got back to Oregon from a 40 day trip to Utah.  I knew I would spend the majority of the holidays back in Utah, so I thought there was plenty of reason to put the tree up pre-Thanksgiving.  But today, January 14, 2010 - 67 days later - it still stands with no good reason except that I love to look at it, it has basically become a part of me, and I am fearing the time it will take to put all the ornaments away.  But alas, all good things must come to an end and the time has come to make room for Valentines day so I will say goodbye, until next year....

I will miss you Christmas tree!

Eye hate waiting

Remember the freaky bump that popped out of my eye 2 years ago and had me positive I would soon be picking out a wooden eye? (If you missed it, you can read my old posts here).

Well.... He's back!  Remember when I said how important sunglasses are?  I must have forgotten.  About 2 weeks ago, while I was in Utah for Christmas,  the bump came back.  At first it didn't alarm me knowing it had happened before and knowing the previous doctor said it could inflame again if it was irritated.  I committed to going to the doctor when I got home. 

Well here I am a week after I arriving in Oregon, appointment scheduled for Friday the 15th and officially terrified out of my mind (again) that it's something new that will take over my entire eye.  Saturday after an awesome workout a few people from the gym went to lunch.  A conversation started with one of our trainers about a condition she has in her eye.  She has a rare eye cancer that she has treated with chemo and dry ice every couple years.  Literally in the middle of the conversation I thought I might have a panic attack wondering if I have the same thing and thinking how amazingly positive she is.   I had her look at my eye and heard the words I was REALLY hoping wouldn't come out of her mouth, "Yeah, that's how mine started."

Fabulous. Now I wait for Friday.

Dear 2010,

Let's start this year, also this decade, off right by telling 2010 exactly what I expect out of it.  I mean you can't be disappointed if you haven't set expectations, right?

2010, here is what I need from you -

1. I would like to ask that you use special care when it comes to my feelings.  Heaven knows I am an emotional shopper and since I have decided not to shop this year, I need you to take it easy.
2. I plan on running a marathon in May.  I should stop saying planning on it and just say, I am running a marathon in May since I already paid too much to the man to map out a 26- mile run of death.  2010, I am not sure how you can help with this, but figure it out cause I need help.
3. I need to schedule a really awesome vacation.  That is an expectation that is non negotiable so let's get on that.
4. I would like to make a quilt this year.  If that one turns out well, maybe I will make another.  Yes, that sounds fun.
5. I need to organize my shoes. I have been thinking about this for a year and a half now.  Let's just do it already!!
6. Shannon is going to have a baby... so I would like to put in a request to you, 2010, to take it easy on her as well.

I think that's all I have right now, so there it is... expectations have been set.  Happy New Year!