Oh Reality TV, why do you mislead me?

Let me begin by saying that in my heart of hearts I know that what we see on TV is not real life. I understand this, I really do. Now I will begin.

I enjoy a good reality TV show every now and then. I'll be honest it took me a few years to get on the train and there are still many shows that I cannot stomach, but I do love the Bachelor/Bachelorette. This latest run of the Bachelorette just wrapped up and Jillian ,who I adored for her fabulous sense of style and amazing dark brown locks, walked away an engaged and happy woman.

This season proved to be the "most dramatic" in Bachelorette history. (Every season is the "most dramatic"). If you didn't catch it, then let me tell you about the last men standing. Ed left mid-season in fear that he would lose his job. He then returned after deciding work could wait and he couldn't live without Jillian. Kiptyn liked Jillian, he really had no drama about him except that he had never been dumped in his life. And Reid... he was sent home on the episode before the finale. Reid seemed to like Jillian, but had obvious issues with opening up and expressing his feelings. He described himself as having the emotional intelligence of a "4-year-old".

Now in the last episode Jillian had 2 men, Ed and Kiptyn, who were going to propose to her. She would have to choose. First came Kiptyn. He told her he loved her, she said she loved someone else. That was the end of that. You would believe that Ed would be next up to bat. Instead, Reid pulls up in a taxi. He is greeted by Chris Harrison and told he doesn't have long. Reid (who remember was sent home last episode) walks up to Jillian, confesses his undying love for her and apologizes for not opening up previously. He then proceeds to get down on one knee and propose to Jillian confessing that she is "somebody I could spend the rest of my life with." Jillian takes a few minutes away to think about this predicament she has just been placed in. She resolves her emotions and sends Reid away saying she is in love with someone else. Reid was amazed by this, nowhere in his heart of hearts did he believe that Jillian would send him away after he confessed his love.

Next Ed walks in. He confesses his love and promises to never leave her again. She returns the feelings and he proposes. The happy couple live on.

Here is my observation. I don't know if this is true life events or ABC inflicted drama. My bet is that Reid will be our next Bachelor. But I have to say that this show is giving the women of America some seriously bad advice. We just learned in one season that a man who is wrapped up in his career (Ed) will give it up for a woman he barely knows. And emotionally unavailable men (Reid) will come to their senses just in the nick of time. Really? No, probably not.

Don't get me wrong because I actually very much adore each of these guys. They were all hilarious and cute in their own way. I also think that Jillian and Ed make a beautiful couple. But it's now that I remind myself that although we are watching "reality" TV, this is not reality. I have no expectation that someone will want to change just because of my mere presence. Therefore, I will keep TV for what it is, entertainment.

Just Walk Barefoot

I hate when I don't feel grounded. When things are up in the air and I am not sure what my next steps should be. It literally drives me crazy and makes even the smallest decisions hard. What should I eat? What should I wear? What should I post on my blog? All of these take hours to decide because focusing seems impossible when one big important thing is off. I don't like that feeling.

My friend Gerardo was in town a couple weekends ago. It was his first time to Oregon and our first stop on Amber's-day-long-tour-of-Portland was the Rose Gardens. For those who haven't been there, the Rose Gardens sit above downtown Portland. There are what feels like a million rows of different roses and an incredible view of the city. He and I walked around and talked while literally stopping every couple feet to "smell the roses". As we walked he said, "You know what? I need to ground myself". I immediately agreed with this thinking I too needed to make some changes in my life. He then proceeded to slip off each of his shoes and walk along the grass. Confused, I asked what in the world he was doing. He said, "I'm grounding myself. Our lives are so full of computers and cell phones that there are always currents running through our bodies. This is how you ground yourself." I looked at him as if we were insane and then he added, "Besides Amber, sometimes you just need to let go and walk barefoot."

Best advise all day! I laughed, took off my shoes, and we continued to walk. Today I look back on that and tell the nit picky perfectionist inside of me to relax, everything can't be perfect all of the time. In this moment, to ground myself, maybe I do need to let go, give up a little control, and walk barefoot.

They did NOT look cute!

Enough said... I think I give up on the capri search for 2009. I'll try again next year.

On A Lighter Note... I Love Online Shopping

And I am super stoked about my latest purchase! I am counting down the seconds until they arrive at my doorstep (well I would count the seconds if I knew what time they were arriving).

UPS scheduled arrival date is 7/17/09. I literally think the anticipation is killing me! I need everyone to put out positive thoughts that they will fit cute. It's REALLY hard to find a good pair of capris when you're short. This is my second try this summer... the first ones are still in my closet waiting to see if I find a better pair. Here's to hoping these are the ones!Erica... do you think your UPS man can pull some strings for me... let's get these here faster!! ;-)

This Day 2 Years Ago

There are moments that you will never forget. Moments when just for a second your world stops. The surroundings and the feelings you have in that second are forever burned into your brain. We all have them. This day. 2 years ago. I will never forget.

I remember a call from my Mom, it was early Saturday morning. She was surprised I answered - for years I had been religious about my early Saturday morning workout- but this morning was different. When my alarm went off I ignored it. She sounded nervous, her voice shook, my Mom is never like this. Immediately I knew something wasn't right. She said simple phrases like, "There has been an accident", "Ashley", "You better get down here". I remember sitting on the phone in silence. I processed. I said nothing. Then asked the question I knew she didn't want to answer, "But Mom, she's going to be fine...right?" This time she sat in silence. There is not a moment in your life that prepares you to give this kind of news. She spoke, "I don't think so, Amber. Not this time."

I held the phone in one hand and with the other I ripped off the covers I had been so tightly wrapped up in 5 minutes prior. I literally jumped out of bed and ran across the room. What was I doing? I had no idea. I asked a hundred questions, she answered them the best she could. Then she said, "You better just get down here, we don't have very long." I am sure I muttered something she could barely understand about how I was on my way and how much I loved her. We hung up.

I remember turning and looking at myself in the mirror, wondering what just happened. I walked into my closet and looked around confused while images of Ashley went through my head. Then "go mode" set in. I had never dressed so quickly in my life. I threw clothes in a bag and ran out of the house. As soon as I was on the road the panic came. I needed to talk. I called a few friends - no one answered. I drove fast. Maybe I needed this second alone with my thoughts anyway.

I didn't make it, she passed away before I got there.

The next few days were a whirlwind of family and friends. There were hugs and kisses. I'm sorry's and I love you's, tears, flowers, memories, pictures, laughs, and more tears. There were too many words and then not enough. There was an insurmountable amount of support. Family and friends flew thousands of miles. People brought meals and gifts. They shared memories and words of encouragement. I was amazed by the kindness and love we felt, and still feel. Thank you for that.

The whirlwind stopped and the dust settled, but the loss didn't. My oldest brother has lost his oldest daughter, my parents a grandchild, my nieces and nephews lost their sister, my youngest brother lost his best friend and I lost a niece close enough to be my sister.

Her playfulness, happy attitude and love for my clothes will never be forgotten. Her spontaneity and ability to live in the here and now will forever be missed. Her non-judgemental outlook and love for everyone is an inspiration and her memories will be with us always. I don't think a day has passed in the last 2 years that my heart hasn't ached to see Ashley. The pain has brought our family closer. I know how badly our family needed her here, but God must have needed her even more. How exciting will be the day when we finally see her again.

This day. These memories. This amazing girl. I will never forget.

A Milestone

A year ago today I packed a car and left a life that I had known for almost 25 years. A year ago today I left my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my roommates, my office, my gym, my school, my ward and my hair stylist. A year ago today I did something that I had always dreamed of doing but didn't know if I really had the courage. A year ago today I had a new home in a new state and I was all alone. I had no furniture and a lot of boxes. I knew 2 people in this new state and I was scared and disoriented. A year ago today, I moved to Oregon.

It's hard to believe that an entire year has already gone by. When I moved I didn't have any idea how long I would stay. I told myself I just had to stay 6 months and if I hated it I could move again. Well 6 months passed - twice. I didn't hate it, but it took some getting used to. Before I never had to worry about crackers getting moldy just from the moisture in the air or clothes taking 2 days to line dry in the winter. I had never seen weeks after weeks without sun or foot of snow shut down schools and send panic through the city. I had never been more disoriented driving and never had I been lost as much as I was in the first month. I never realized the beauty the rain creates or seen 4 seasons pass with green trees in each. I had never had chipmunks in my front yard or a view that seemed to go on for miles. I had never lived anywhere more beautiful.

As I think about how quickly this year has gone by I can't help but wonder what I have accomplished. "Have I let this year pass in vain without making more of myself?" I can't stand the thought of that and so I create a year of Oregon in review.

In 365 days I... bought my first set of living room furniture, was forced out of my comfort zone, saw a major league baseball game, turned 25, felt really happy in my job, discovered a real love for Trader Joe's, ran 2 half marathons, one duathalon, one 10k and one relay, gave up diet coke, was terrified for my dad's life, starting drinking diet coke again, became closer with my family, tried mountain biking, hated mountain biking, felt what it is like to live alone, got in the best shape of my life, had my mom stay with me, found a new hair stylist, love living alone, gained 10 pounds, felt real pure love, gave up carbs, found a love for skinny jeans and uggs, ate carbs again, started new friendships, tried cooking new things, decided cooking isn't for me, let Shannon feed me more than she should ever have to, forced myself to live on a budget, felt my heart break, couldn't talk about my broken heart for weeks, wanted to puke every time I thought about my broken heart, researched just about every masters degree program possible, watched the first African American President be sworn in, discovered happy hour, loved happy hour for their half priced appetizers, felt frazzled from my job, drove through the Cascades in the snow, watched my parents lose a dog, watched the economy take a nose dive, helped a friend through heart break, built a snowman, went boating on a river, tried wake boarding, felt joy, learned what a burn barrel is, felt ashamed for asking for plastic at a grocery store, bought recyclable bags, got called into the Relief Society Presidency, visited Greece, never wanted to leave Greece, wished I could start all over, felt disappointment, disappointed people close to me, laughed so hard I couldn't breathe, swore off motorcycles, cried, cried again, refused to admit that I cry, ate an entire box of cookies in a day, stopped eating sweets, realized I am just like my mom, bought 17 new pairs of shoes, recommitted myself to my budget, read 12 books, realized I can't live without sweets, met people who changed my point of view, watched someone be converted, felt overwhelmed in my job, watched a friend struggle with addiction, tried to help, changed my opinion on addiction, shared my opinion without being asked, recommitted to reading the Book of Mormon, had my little brother stay with me, struggled with the idea of having kids, decided I do want kids - someday, decided it's time to grow up, realized I am already a grown up, tried to be an example, found happiness with who I am.

I could probably go on for pages, suffice it to say that the change has been good for me. I have learned, grown and hopefully become better. Thanks Oregon.

It was then that I realized

My plane was scheduled to leave at 6:50am. I arrived at the airport at 6:15am after sleeping through my alarm and throwing on the black shirt dress and peep toe heels I had picked out the night before to wear to the office. I was in a silent panic. The check in line was long - too long- for a Thursday morning. I tried to be patient - it took a lot of concentration. The sky cap marked my bags with a bright yellow tag that said, LATE and warned me of the possibility of my bags not making it to Utah on time. I didn't care. My only concern was me making it through security and across the airport in 20 minutes in these fabulous peep toe heels. "Oh why did I choose to wear these heels today," I wondered. I knew why, cause I wanted to look nice on my visit to the office. I hadn't been there in 4 months. There was no way I was going in now though, I hadn't even had a chance to run a brush through my hair and my makeup was tucked away in my carryon somewhere. I ran to the gate - seriously could the gate have been any further away? I spotted the gate number and ran to the desk to get a boarding pass. The nice girl looked at me and said, "You're cutting it close." I smiled and she handed me a boarding pass - 6:48am - Last one on the plane.

The flight attendant greeted me and I searched for an open spot so I could just sit down and breathe. End row seat spotted, I sat down. Next to me sat an older couple. I guessed they were in their late 70's. He sat closest to me. He smiled, I smiled back, threw my laptop and purse under my seat and took a deep breath. I made it.

The flight was pleasant. The duration from Portland to Utah is perfect - enough time to take off, have a snack, and land on the ground. The flight was quiet. "Maybe early morning flights are always quiet," I thought. I really wouldn't know. The flight attendant brought us a beverage and the wife of the man sitting next to me handed him about 10 pills to take with his club soda. Oh the joys that come with age.

When we arrived to the gate in Utah everyone stood to gather their things. I stood in the isle waiting for the crowd to move to the front of the plane. This moment always makes me think of herding cattle. As I stood there I notice out of the corner of my eye 2 junior high school aged girls to the right of me. They were laughing and chatting to themselves as they waited to de-board. I turned my gaze from them back to the couple sitting next to me. My eyes locked with the sweet man next to me and it was as if we shared an unspoken thought of, "sweet young girls."

It was in that moment that I realized. I realized I had grown up. That man who stared as I watched the girls didn't see me the same way he saw those girls. He looked at me as a woman, a peer, maybe even a partner in protecting these young children from this world. "When did this happen," I thought. "When did I become the adult rather than the child?"

I thought back on my morning, frantically running through the airport dressed in business clothes and high heels with my laptop at my side. I thought of the families I had watched go through security who were so apparently leaving on vacation. When I had looked at the children earlier I had thought back to my family vacations as a child. I pictured myself when I was their age as I smiled at them. But as they smiled back, they looked at me as a woman. They didn't see me as a high school aged child who was worried about her hair not being done before stepping into the airport. They didn't see me as a college student who had specifically picked out this exact pair of shoes the night before for this moment in my life.

Because even though those stages of life are still a part of the overall person I am, I moved on. They looked at me and saw exactly what I am, a grown woman.